I initially thought this blog would be rather chronological – you know, the events, in order, the ABC-123 of what has led up to this point. Not quite ready, however, to go there just yet. And its definitely a wee bit more complicated than that.
I am basically at a stage right now where I am questioning everything. It’s like re-living the Terrible Twos. If I’m feeling a little “off” my mind starts churning. Is it the new meds? Is it my mind playing tricks? Maybe I’m just tired? Focused too much on work? Too much caffeine? Hormones? Maybe I should see Dr. W? Mostly, I just know I should wait until next week to check back in. See, biploar isn’t so much about short-term mood instability. I know one thing: I’m not in the part of the cycle I was in a few months ago (deep sighs of relief).
So, if I’m unusually grumpy I just chalk it up to the fact that I am accepting the fact that I have biploar disorder – and that, in a nutshell, pisses me off. I hate it. I want to be in control and fix everything. I don’t want to question anything and everything I’ve ever done, or am doing, or will do, and wonder if that was me or the bipolar (and yes, I know they are one in the same, sort of, but you know what I mean).
Don’t get me wrong, a part of me, despite still being rather irritated about this whole thing, is grateful. Bipolar cycles tend to grow in intensity over time. Mine definitely were. The thunderstorms in my brain were becoming tornadic. I can only imagine what my next crazy move would be, or just how low I would go.
My hope is that I never have to find out.